The saying: “you are your own worst critic” is my current theme song. I looked in the mirror at myself after a particular PMS-induced break down and couldn’t stop thinking horrible things to myself. They were things I would NEVER say to someone else and here I was, letting the thoughts flow with no ounce of reserve. I’d like to believe I have it together. I’m a well-functioning individual. However, in between reflecting on my life and how I want it to be, I realize that on the cusp of 31, I have fallen out of love with myself. I want this next year to be my best one and I can’t change for the better if I don’t go back and fix myself up. The dialogue that occurs in my head and my attitude is abusive, hurtful, condescending and cruel.
In any other relationship a break up or “taking time apart” would ensue. Unfortunately, that can’t happen with me, myself, and I. I’m committed to myself – I need to make it work - there is no other option. It’s going to take a lot of time and practice, but I’m devoted to making it happen. I need a crash course in self-love. I had to go on the internet and look up what "SELF-LOVE" actually entailed. I didn't know and that's how far behind I am.
I don't know what it truly means to be at peace with who I am. My goal by the end of this month is to have an idea of what being comfortable and confident with who I am looks like. I want to love myself as much as I love other people. I realize now I deserve that kind of love too. How can I love someone else with all that I have if I don't love myself? How can I love at all?
I am guilty of comparing myself to everyone around me. Their successes are not successes, they are things that I CAN’T do and should be doing. Their achievements are everything I have failed at. Their talents are where I am empty. I can't measure up. I need to remind myself it's okay to get self-conscious. It's okay to have doubts; to write about it. It's not okay to behave like how I've been behaving towards others and myself. I want to get over my insecurities.
I haven’t always thought like this. I remember a very prominent point in my life after a relationship ended when I was devoted to rediscovering myself. I rediscovered the things that made me happy, the things that brought me joy and made me feel free and good about myself. I’ve neglected this kind of reflection for so long I’ve lost my way in the journey to come the woman I want to be. It’s the same thing that happens when anything is neglected. A plant shrivels up and dies, a relationship becomes strained and distant, a boiling pot on the stove explodes. So here I am. Ready to make some much needed changes and inject self-love back into my routine.
The word “self-love” is thrown around like the next big trend nowadays, but since it’s the month of love and certain circumstances have led me to believe I’m not as at peace with myself as I thought I was – this month is going to be chock full of self-love. Up to the brim; overflowing. I’m hoping to find myself in a place that is a little more nurturing than where I am now.
[Photo is my own.]